My Running and Weight Loss Journey Part II

By the middle of February 2012, I had lost 12 lbs and could comfortably wear size 14 pants. My self esteem was increasing and I was starting to feel more and more like the self-confident woman I had once been. Weight Watchers was largely to thank for my success. I had been attending weekly meetings and adhering to their Points Plus program, which included the ability to earn Activity Points through weekly exercise. 

Read My Running and Weight Loss Journey Part I 

My weight loss efforts were going well and I was getting into my exercising grove! I felt better than I had felt in a LONG time. And... I was finding that I really enjoyed running! Over the last 6 weeks I had gradually increased my "running minutes" on the treadmill. Now, I was able to run for SIX solid minutes before stopping to walk! That may not sound like much to you, but for me that was a miracle. 

Then, something unexpected happened. 

I was tired. 

I was cranky. 

I was late. 

Yes - that kind of late. But I have struggled with PCOS and infertility for quite some time. We had just had our little miracle baby, Micah, in May of 2011 and we know we want another child. Due to my PCOS and the fact that we needed assistance from a fertility doctor to conceive Micah, we were not using birth control. Instead, we were trusting God that if we were meant to have another child, it would happen in His timing. 

... It was a Saturday afternoon in February. I had just TRIPLED my longest run. Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, I had just ran for 18 minutes with no walking breaks! I was on cloud nine. As I left the gym and to headed to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for Micah, I was thinking about how much I was really starting to enjoy running. Then, my mind drifted as I began to think about how tired I had been the last week and that I was late for my period, although that was nothing new due to my PCOS. On a whim, I bought a box of home pregnancy tests. I felt kinda silly for even buying them - it reminded my of when I was taking test after test, month after month, when we were trying to conceive. Well, at least I would know I am not pregnant and the box contained a couple extra tests for when I was late again next month or the month after that...

When I get home, I kissed my kiddos and hopped in the shower. That night was date night for my and hubby and I was looking forward to (comfortably) wearing my new size 14 AE jeans. While I was getting around for the evening, I took a test and set it on the sink to wait the allotted 5 minutes while I continued to get ready. A few minutes later, I glance at the test... 

POSITIVE?! 

WHAT?! That can't be right... but it was. 

Of course, we were elated and I quickly adapted into pregnant mode. 

I quit Weight Watchers.

My nightly gym sessions were traded in for nightly naps. 

And I was SICK. 

The morning sickness was ridiculous. It was every day, seemingly all day. And went I wasn't yacking, my tummy was queasy. No cravings for me. Nothing sounded good. I lost more weight. 

And slept. 

I was EXHAUSTED all the time. 

But my doctor said things were good when she did a 7 week ultra sound. At our 11 week appointment she did not do an ultra sound check, but said the baby's heart was strong and we were "in the clear" meaning our chances of having a miscarriage dropped dramatically at 12 weeks. 

At the end of April 2012, 4 lbs lighter than when I got pregnant, I went in for my 4 month check up. I was 15 weeks pregnant. My husband did not come with me because it was just a routine check. There wouldn't be a need for an ultra sound... 

She couldn't find the heartbeat. 

I couldn't breathe. I was nervous. Anxious. Uncertain. Scared. I tried to concentrate on her words, "The baby's probably just hiding. Let's get you over to the other room for an ultra sound. At least you'll get to see your little peanut today." 

As I wait in the cold, sterile room where the U/S machine is, I had an overwhelming feeling of dread. Something wasn't right. This entire pregnancy didn't seem quite right. The last few weeks I actually had felt like something was very wrong. 

The doctor confirmed my fears. 

The ultrasound showed a little fetus with no heartbeat. 

We came to find out it was a "partial molar" pregnancy. Basically, a genetic abnormality where the baby had inherited an extra set of chromosomes. He or she didn't have a chance from day one. 

Micah & I on his 1st Birthday

On May 6th we celebrated Micah's first birthday. We were determined to focus on the blessings in our lives. Our children. Our families. Our jobs. Our health. We would get up every day and put one foot in front of the other and trust that there is a reason for everything in this life. 

One week after Micah's first birthday, I made the decision that I would go back to the gym. It was mid-May and I had lost 16 pounds since January, leaving me weighing in at 176 lbs - 4 lbs lighter than I was on my wedding day. 

I made up my mind.

Despite my grief.

I would keep on running... 

Stay tuned for My Running and Weight Loss Journey Part III.. 

Two Week Wait

Today starts my two week wait. Two more weeks before I will know if the Follistim worked. Two more weeks before I will find out whether this month is THE month. Will I have a BFP (big fat positive) or BFN (big fat negative) when I POAS (pee on a stick) in two weeks?

This TWW is going to be torture! I've endured a year full of TWW's. Actually probably about 8 or 9 of them over the last year b/c when you have PCOS your periods are not a regular 28 days. Anyways, every month it was the same... I'd get so excited. I'd start imagining that I was having pregnancy symptoms. I knew that month was THE month. Only, it wasn't.

This month it's different. This cycle we worked with a fertility doctor. This cycle we took fertility shots. This cycle IS different. This cycle I took a shot that MADE me ovulate. The rest of it - easy. The reason we have not fallen preggers is just b/c I was not ovulating. So... this month - has to be THE month.

I'm afraid to get my hopes up.

Yet I am trying to think positive. 

And it is SO easy to get your hopes up. I've started taking over the counter pre-natal vitamins again. I've been drinking a lot of water. I'm starting to limit my caffeine intake. I'm doing all the "right" things to make sure that if I did 'O' that this month will be a success.

The TWW is hard.

The Monday Blues

It's Monday.

Again.

This weekend has gone by too quickly. As a working mom, I dread Mondays. Mondays mean the start of another long week. Five more days until the next glimpse of freedom. Five more days I will not be with my kids. Weekends go by so quickly, but sometimes the weeks just drag.

Usually, I try to stay very upbeat and positive about everything in my life, but today I'm just not feeling it.

I have the Monday blues. 

So I'm going to whine a little bit.

Monday means that I have to go back to the fertility doctor. I have to get my blood drawn, which I hate. And it's becoming a regular occurrence. I am not looking forward to it. In fact, I'm dreading it. It's bad enough I have to give myself a shot every night. Then to have to go to the doctors several times a week to get my blood drawn, get an ultrasound of my ovaries, and then get told that my levels are "off" just makes me depressed.

There I said it.

It makes me depressed.

Whine, whine, whine.

Monday also means another long week of work for my husband. His job requires a lot of hours and he doesn't get home until seven or eight o'clock (his work day starts at 7 am). I miss him. Being in charge of taking the kids to the babysitters and picking them up from the babysitters and getting dinner and making sure they get their showers kinda makes a woman feel like a single mother even though she's not. But, what's worse is that my hubby is so exhausted when he gets home and he still helps clean up dinner, set up the coffee pots for the next day, and packs his lunch. It makes me feel like a failure as a wife. I should be doing all of that stuff for him.

Instead, I blog. For me.

Then I put myself on a guilt trip.

It's hard to take care of a family and work full time, I rationalize. But really, I should just be a better wife and do more to ease his stress. That's what it's all about, right? Taking care of each other.

Monday also means that the things I did not accomplish this weekend will not get done for at least a week. Yes, we did all the necessary chores to maintain for a week - laundry, grocery shopping, tidying up. But, the vacuuming, bathrooms, dusting, and mopping will all have to wait. I didn't get enough done around the house and I didn't relax as much as I would have liked to either.

Whine, whine, whine. Waa, waa, waa.

Time to suck it up and get on with life. 

Because it's Monday. 

Again.

Taking Infertility Treatments to the Next Level

Within the next couple of days, depending on when Aunt Flo decides to make a visit, I will be starting to take Follistim, an injectable fertility medication. According to my doctor, the injectable medications do not cause horrible mood swings, unlike Clomid. Clomid is an evil medication. I was on an emotional roller coaster ride for the three months I was taking it.


Now we are on to bigger and better things.

I hope.

My Twitter sources tell me that Follistim also causes severe mood swings. Hmmm. What does my doctor know anyway? He's a man. And he had obviously never had the need to chemically alter his hormone levels. Unless of course if he was ever on anti-depressants, and a lot of people need to take anit-depressants. But I've taken anti-depressants in the past, and the are NOTHING like fertility meds.

Ok, here's the other thing - I am scared of shots. It's silly because I have a child. I have given birth. I have suffered through a 17 hour labor. I should be able to give myself a shot, right? I mean diabetics do it every day. And the shot is with a little EpiPen type thing. So it shouldn't be that bad... And my wonderful, terrific, loving husband has oh so kindly offered to give me the shots. Although I don't know if that is for my benefit, so I don't have to do it myself, or his, so he can watch me suffer!

Also I am nervous. What if this doesn't work?

We have been TTC for almost a year. At the end of the month it will be a year. After about 6 months of spotty, light, and very late periods I found out I had PCOS. When I first found out, I was relieved because it meant that all the doctor had to get me to do was ovulate and we would get preggers. Simple enough. They made pills for that.

Yeah, pills that make you psycho!

And don't work.

For me, at least.

Ok, so no-go with the pills. Now, on to shots. Very expensive shots. Thank God I have great insurance. Still, if the shots do not work, then what? My insurance does not cover IUI (which wouldn't work anyway if I'm still not ovulating) or IVF. And IVF is EXPENSIVE.

If hubs was here, he tell me to quit worrying about it. He would tell me that we will cross that bridge when we come to it. He would tell me that it will happen for us. He's not worried. All in good time. He is practical like that. Laid back. It's not him who is defective.

Being infertile is one of those things... you pity women whose bodies don't work right for them. You don't know quite what to say to them. "It'll happen when it is supposed to." "My second cousin when to Dr. X and was pregnant in a month. I'll get you his number." or maybe just the sad looking smile and "I am so sorry to hear that." You say those things. You mean those things. But you really don't, you really can't, understand.

Until become one of them.

You don't want people to feel sorry for you. Please don't pity me. I know it will happen all in good time. I know that God has a plan. It's just hard. Damn hard. Logically, you appreciate all the kind words and prayers. And I really do appreciate the kind words and prayers. But, catch me on a bad day? Catch me on a "I'm all hyped up on Clomid" and weepy day? You will see me turn green, grow an ugly "I'm infertile" wart, and blow fire!"

It hurts.

When the one thing you want more than anything, you can't have.

And it's your fault.

It's your body's fault.

We've had a nice little respite from the TTC roller coast for the last 6 weeks or so, but now it's time to get back on the train.

It's time to take things to the next level.

Dear Insurance Company

Dear Insurance Company,

It has come to my attention that your associates would greatly benefit training about treating people with common courtesy and respect. In addition, it is apparent that your associates have never been trained on how to serve clients who are woman that are trying to conceive (TTC).

The training would cover topics such as:

Woman who are TTC are most likely hyped on on all sorts of crazy hormones. If you are rude and condescending to her she will most likely escalate very quickly. While you may think the client is being irrational, she is most likely fighting off the erge to call you a bitch and slam the phone down in your ear.

and...

Woman who are TTC are most likely sick and tired and irritated with people who are giving them the run around. If you attempt to give her the run around she will likely say, "I don't give a damn what the procedure is! I need my medication to be approved and I need it today. How are we going to accomplish that?"

You better have an answer for this woman who has been patiently waiting over a week for the "pre-authorization" to go through for her medication. And the answer better not be that the process takes 72 hours - especially when the woman on the other end is fully aware that it has been FOUR business days - that 96 hours, 24 hours more than 72 - yes, she can do math too.

Do not tell her "That is just our process." She is most likely educated and has been around the block a few times. She knows enough to know that processes can be expedited and procedures can be overlooked. If you provoke her she will tell you to take your processes and procedures and shove them up your ass!

She will ask speak to your supervisor. Let her. Do not tell her "A supervisor is not going to be able to change the process." Just put the damn supervisor on the phone! If you were doing your damn job then you wouldn't be scared hestiant to put your supervisor on the phone.

Do not underestimate a woman who is TTC and needs her medication approved. She will not rest until it is a done deal. She will get your name. She will call back. She will talk to your supervisor. She will get her damn "pre-authorization" whether you like it or not.

If you are interested in this training please call me at 1-800-Kiss My Ass.

Sincerely,

Educated Woman TTC
Will Not Take No for an Answer Inc.