Friday, August 6, 2010
Now we are on to bigger and better things.
My Twitter sources tell me that Follistim also causes severe mood swings. Hmmm. What does my doctor know anyway? He's a man. And he had obviously never had the need to chemically alter his hormone levels. Unless of course if he was ever on anti-depressants, and a lot of people need to take anit-depressants. But I've taken anti-depressants in the past, and the are NOTHING like fertility meds.
Ok, here's the other thing - I am scared of shots. It's silly because I have a child. I have given birth. I have suffered through a 17 hour labor. I should be able to give myself a shot, right? I mean diabetics do it every day. And the shot is with a little EpiPen type thing. So it shouldn't be that bad... And my wonderful, terrific, loving husband has oh so kindly offered to give me the shots. Although I don't know if that is for my benefit, so I don't have to do it myself, or his, so he can watch me suffer!
Also I am nervous. What if this doesn't work?
We have been TTC for almost a year. At the end of the month it will be a year. After about 6 months of spotty, light, and very late periods I found out I had PCOS. When I first found out, I was relieved because it meant that all the doctor had to get me to do was ovulate and we would get preggers. Simple enough. They made pills for that.
Yeah, pills that make you psycho!
And don't work.
For me, at least.
Ok, so no-go with the pills. Now, on to shots. Very expensive shots. Thank God I have great insurance. Still, if the shots do not work, then what? My insurance does not cover IUI (which wouldn't work anyway if I'm still not ovulating) or IVF. And IVF is EXPENSIVE.
If hubs was here, he tell me to quit worrying about it. He would tell me that we will cross that bridge when we come to it. He would tell me that it will happen for us. He's not worried. All in good time. He is practical like that. Laid back. It's not him who is defective.
Being infertile is one of those things... you pity women whose bodies don't work right for them. You don't know quite what to say to them. "It'll happen when it is supposed to." "My second cousin when to Dr. X and was pregnant in a month. I'll get you his number." or maybe just the sad looking smile and "I am so sorry to hear that." You say those things. You mean those things. But you really don't, you really can't, understand.
Until become one of them.
You don't want people to feel sorry for you. Please don't pity me. I know it will happen all in good time. I know that God has a plan. It's just hard. Damn hard. Logically, you appreciate all the kind words and prayers. And I really do appreciate the kind words and prayers. But, catch me on a bad day? Catch me on a "I'm all hyped up on Clomid" and weepy day? You will see me turn green, grow an ugly "I'm infertile" wart, and blow fire!"
When the one thing you want more than anything, you can't have.
And it's your fault.
It's your body's fault.
We've had a nice little respite from the TTC roller coast for the last 6 weeks or so, but now it's time to get back on the train.
It's time to take things to the next level.