Bloggy Slacker

Yes, I've been a bloggy slacker. The last few weeks have just proven hard to find the time (or energy) to blog.  As most of you know, my husband and I are expecting a baby - after a whole year of battling secondary infertility. I am thrilled to be pregnant, but everything comes with a price.

Two weeks ago I was on bed rest due to something called subchrionic bleeding. Later, my doctor discovered two empty yolk sacks in my uterus. My understanding of that discovery is that there was originally 3 embryos, but only one implanted. Quite the revelation!

Pregnancy has also made me totally, utterly exhausted. Expected, I know. Still it has really thrown me for a loop. It's hard to work all day and then taxi around two 8 year old boys at night. And then homework, dinner, etc. By the time I get all the "must do" stuff completed, I am whooped! No energy to blog.

And, can you believe, I haven't been feeling the Twitter thing either lately?! That's just not normally like me. Maybe I'm in a funk? But I really don't feel like I am ... I am just tired. I am focusing every. single. stitch. of energy that I have on getting through me day.

Oh, and I thought I was going to avoid the morning sickness thing this time around - wrong! Still, it's not as bad as it was with my first pregnancy, but I am still having some nausea..

Last week, Khegan's grandfather passed away. I know I may have mentioned this to some of you before on Twitter. Khegan was very close to his Pappie. His mother lives/lived with her mom and dad so Khegan saw Pappie frequently. It was very tough on him (and still is). It's been an ordeal for our entire stepfamily. Emotionally exhausting.

Then, just last weekend one of my best friends got married. I was in the wedding of course. I had to juggle all the pre-wedding events with Khegan's grandfather's funeral events. It was challenging, but I managed. The wedding was beautiful and everyone had a great time.

I am going to try my bestest to get back on the bloggy train. There is no way I am going to be posting every day like I was for awhile. But, I am going to try to post 2 to 3 times a week. So please don't give up on me! =)

Preparing for Family Vacation - Old School Style!

Tomorrow we are heading up to Lake Michigan for our family vacation. My mom & stepdad rented a big cabin in South Haven and asked us to join them for the week, along with my stepsisters and their families. When mom asked if we wanted to go we eagerly agreed. The plans were made. Set in stone.

This week we found out there would be no internet. No cable. There is however an old T.V. and a bunch of videos. Videos. Trying explaining to two 7 year old boys what a video tape is and how it works. You feel ancient. Believe me.

Hubs was less than thrilled about the no cable thing. "Will there be electricity?" he said. Hardy-har-har. I married a comedian. A sarcastic comedian. But, he did perk up a little when my stepdad told him he would be bringing him a couple Cuban cigars. That should keep him occupied for a few hours, at least. 

Can I tell you a secret? I am kinda excited about the no internet and no cable thing.

This vacation is going to be OLD SCHOOL STYLE!!

So, how do you prepare for a vacation Old School Style? Here is what I have packed, besides clothes, toiletries, yada, yada, yada..

Beach toys
Shovels
Buckets
Badminton
Paddle ball
Noodles
Squirt Guns
Frisbee
Grown-up floaty-rafts

Car Toys
Coloring Book
Crayons
DS & Games

We'll be in the car. With two 7 years olds. Six hours. Come on! You gotta give me a little leeway here on the video games. Ok?  Thanks. Now keep reading.

Board Games
Battleship
Risk
Monopoly
Sorry
Cranium

Books - 4 of them, all for me.

A Deck of Cards

Writing Materials
Notebook
Pens

Totally going Old School.

Liquor
Margarita Mix
Bottle of Rum

Mama has got to keep her sanity somehow. Remember? NO INTERNET! 

This week of family togetherness will include walking on the beach, playing board games, talking - to each other, swimming, reading, suntanning, and building sand castles. This week my family will be unplugged.

God, I hope my phone gets reception! 

Family Vacation. Old School Style. Wish me luck.

My First Ever Wordless Wednesday Post

Have you ever watched those bloopers shows? Or the outtakes at the end of a T.V. show or movie? That's what this Wordless Wednesday post is all about. My family's bloopers. Enjoy!

Mama Lindsay's New Do!

Papa John's Silly Grin

Khegan the Rapper

Riley the Rapper

The One With the Cows

Grrrr!!!!

The One With the Okapi Butt

 (Look in the background!)

Don't Talk to Me Until I've Had My Coco Puffs!

Don't Drop Me Dad!

Don't Drop Me Mom!

 

Did You LICK the Cake?!!

These Are Our Excited Faces

Liquid Courage

(wedding day jitters!)

It Itch's!

(look at Khegan's hand...)

Long Day, Random Thoughts About Family Life

Today was a long day. After working all day I picked up Riley, ran home to get him changed and fed, and then rushed off to baseball. John met us at the game after he got off of work. Khegan is with his mom on Wednesday nights so she brought him to the game.

Khegan's family on his mom's side are very involved in the boys lives - just like my family and John's family. Not only does his mom come to the games, but so does her fiance, her daughter, her parents, and tonight her sister and her aunt also graced us with their presence. On top of that whole crew, Riley's grandma and his aunt (from his dad's side) came to watch him play along with three of his cousins! Needless to say, we had quite the crew! One big, modern family as I like to say.

The boys both played a great game. Riley hit a triple! I was bursting with pride as he rounded the bases. If he wouldn't have hesitated at every base, it would have been a home run! Khegan scored two runs and made some great plays in the field.

After the game, Riley played at the park with his cousins for a little while. John headed home to start dinner and have it ready before Riley and I got home. It was 9:30 pm when we sat down to dinner. LONG day. John and I caught up on how our days went. We congratulated Riley for his great hit and receiving the game ball.

As I cleaned up the dinner dishes and tucked Riley into bed, I thought about how truly blessed I am to have such a wonderful family. I have a husband that adores me and works hard every day to take care of us all. I have two wonderful children. I have managed to develop a positive relationship with Khegan's mom and her family. I still am able to have a good relationship with Riley's dad's side of the family. I have three great sister in laws and a great mother in law that all live our hometown. I have two stepsisters that I have bonded with over the years. I am finally at a good place in my relationship with my stepdad. I talk to my own two sisters and my mom pretty much on a daily basis. My family doesn't fit a perfect family mold. We are a step family. We are an extended family. We are a blended family. But we are all family. And it works for us.

At the end of a long day I feel exhausted. I feel worn town. I feel frazzled. I dread getting up and doing it all over again the next day. But, I stay positive because, when all is said and done, I am truly blessed. My family is happy, healthy, and safe. And that's what life is all about.

My Family

Remarried with Kids –The Creation of a New Breed Family

A remarriage with kids is WAY different than a marriage with kids.

Before I dive right into this article, let me provide a tiny bit of background.

My husband and I are quickly approaching our one year anniversary - August 22nd.

This last weekend I attended a bridal shower and bachelorette party for a friend. All of the wedding festivities led me to reflect on my last ten months of marriage, what marriage life is like for me, and what marriage really means.

Marriage is a sacred commitment between two individuals who choose to make a conscious commitment to love each other every day for the rest of their lives.

Every single day I thank God for my husband and my children.

I love my life.

Each day is new and presents new opportunities to experience life as a married couple. Our marriage faces many challenges on a weekly (and sometimes daily) basis.

My husband and I both have a child from a previous relationship. He was married before. I was not.

On the day we married, not only did we create a lifelong commitment to one another, but we also created a family – A New Breed Family.
___________________________________________________________________

Unlike nuclear families, New Breed Families do not always have the natural bonds that biological families have. When a New Breed Family is formed, it can be challenging, and sometimes difficult, to forge those bonds. Many factors, such as the age of the children, involvement from the other parent, and individual personalities all factor into forming bonding, loving relationships in New Breed Families.

It takes around five to seven years for New Breed Families to develop their own bonds, family traditions, and routines. A New Breed Family is the product of combining two smaller families (typically each parent and their respective child(ren)) together to form one cohesive family unit. That means taking two different styles of parenting, two different sets of routines, two different sets of family traditions, two different manners of relating to one another, and bringing them together into one household.

The creation of a New Breed Family means changes for everyone involved. This includes each of the spouses own biological families, each of the spouse’s ex-partner, and sometimes the ex-partner’s families. As humans, we are naturally resistant to change. The primal ‘fight or flight’ instinct is bound to surface for every person involved. Given the immense number of changes taking place during a relatively short period of time, and the new relationships being forged between every single involved person, there are bound to be some rough transitions.

Family members experiencea variety of emotions as the New Breed Family forms. There are many positive feelings such as happiness, love, and excitement. There are also many sub-positive feelings such as anger, jealously, and fear that can be associated with the creation of a New Breed Family. It is important to acknowledge and address all of those feelings. Couples who take the time to prepare for remarriage with children, by either attending pre-marital workshops through their church or with a marriage counselor, are much more well-equipped and prepared for the bringing together of the two smaller family units.

New Breed Families are still a relatively new phenomenon in modern American culture. No one really knows what the expectations are for creation of a New Breed Family. There is no “normal”. Although, it appears to be universal that New Breed Families will experience a period of transition. The children will benefit immensely when the remarried couple approaches the task of forming their New Breed Family with a well thought out plan that is implemented with a firm, loving hand.




The remarried couple needs to demonstrate to the children involved that they are a team, and that the newly formed marital relationship is primary to the parent – child relationship. By approaching the transitional period in this manner, the children will learn to love and respect the new parent in their lives. The new parent will feel loved and cherished by their spouse as he makes it apparent to his children that his marital relationship is the primary relationship in the newly formed family unit. When the parents in the house are on the same page, and rightfully take their place as the heads of the household, children tend to move through their resistance more quickly and feel more secure because they understand their role in the New Breed Family.

Please know that help is available for New Breed Families who are trying to make their way through the sometimes difficult transitional period of bringing to mini families together to form one solidified family unit. A family counselor is educated in the trials and tribulations that are common during the formation of a New Breed Family.

www.stepfamily.org
www.stepfamilies.info
www.theblendedandstepfamilyresourcecenter.com

Sagas of a Stepmother: Book Review of 'No One’s the Bitch'

If you are a stepmother, or if you are a mother whose child has a stepmother, then this book was written for you! Jennifer Newcomb Marine and Carol Marine are a mother-stepmother pair and the authors of this wonderful guide on how to build a better relationship between mothers and stepmothers.

No One’s the Bitch is a well-written guide that teaches woman about forming a better relationship with the ‘other woman’ in their life. The book starts out where most mother-stepmother pairs start out – lost and confused – and guides them through the grueling task of building an amicable relationship with one another. Jennifer and Carol’s book provides a no-nonsense, down-to-earth, approach for navigating through the murky waters of the mother-stepmother co-parenting relationship.

In my opinion, one of the best aspects of this book is its ability to identify and normalize many of the taboo feelings women experience as they struggle to form an extended family unit for the best interest of everyone involved. The feelings involved in forming a “blended family” (for lack of a better word) are complex and, at times, overwhelming. It is difficult for a stepmother to decipher how much, or how little, emotional investment to place in her stepchildren. It is also difficult for mothers to decipher how much, or how little, say-so is appropriate for a stepmother to have when it comes to her stepchildren.

Every family is different, and each woman will have to determine the answers to these questions in respect to themselves, their husbands (or ex-husbands), their stepchildren, and the ‘other woman’ in their lives. At one extreme, some stepmothers may play a very active role in parenting their stepchildren. At the other extreme, some stepmothers have no interest in parenting their stepchildren and consider that the mother and father’s role.

While No One’s the Bitch is a useful book for anyone who is a stepmother, or whose children have a stepmother; it will be most helpful to woman who will regularly be in situations where they must interact with ‘the other woman’. It offers a ten-step guide aimed at helping woman through the long and difficult transition that occurs when a divorced man with children remarries.

The first couple of chapters in the book focus on self-reflection. Women are challenged to take an inventory of what their current mother-stepmother relationship is like and how that affects their day to day life and stress levels. They are also challenged to look within themselves to identify their own “crap” that contributes to the nature of the current relationship.

Next the book guides women to look towards the future and imagine how their lives (and stress levels) would change if they were to have a cordial relationship with the ‘other woman’ – not to mention how this would positively benefit the children involved. Unfortunately, children are often the battleground in which such mother-stepmother battles rage.

The authors go on to explain how to take action and begin to reach out to the ‘other woman’ and eventually form a collaboration of parenting efforts. Being accountable for one’s own actions and committing to be better at communication are both positive steps in this direction. Finally, since we all know that change does not happen overnight, there are two chapters devoted to regrouping and strengthening the fragile mother-stepmother relationship while it is in its early stages. The book also reminds us to celebrate and look back to see how far we have come in building a positive, healthy relationship where there was once only hatred and chaos.

Another thing I loved about this book was how the authors wove in sections on how the remarried man with children may be feeling about the newfound relationship between his wife and his ex. The book touches on how the man can be instrumental in forming a collaborative parenting team, or how the man may need some coaching from the two women after they begin to work things out.

While it may not always be possible for stepmothers and mothers to get along, when it is possible the kids will benefit immensely. The ‘loyalty binds’ often experienced by children of divorced parents, will lessen. The transition between households will go more smoothly. And most importantly, children will feel a more cohesive sense of self when all the adults in their lives team up to form a solid parenting unit.

I have been lucky, and blessed, with a great husband and stepson, as well as my own wonderful little man. The last two and a half years, that we have spent forming a family, have had their ups and downs. Building a relationship with my stepson’s mother has been challenging as well as rewarding. There are still many, many wrinkles which may never get fully ironed out, but I have made a commitment to myself to be the best stepmother I can be – and, to me, that means forming an amicable relationship with my husband’s ex-wife. As I like to say, we are learning to be one big, modern family.

Stepmother relationships are one of the topics I am most passionate about. Please feel free to post any questions, comments, or suggestions for future articles on the topic. Below I have provided some links to additional resources about stepfamilies.

www.noonesthebitch.com
www.stepfamily.org
www.stepfamilies.info
www.stepmommag.com

Book Review: The New Breed Mama’s initial thoughts on Wednesday Martin’s book, ‘Stepmonster’

Step-mothers usually struggle with adapting to their new role. For some it is harder than others. There are a variety of different factors that can influence how a woman adapts to this new role. Every New Breed Mom is different. There is no exception to this rule, especially with respect to being a Step-Mother. With that said, I have some mixed emotions about Wednesday’s book.

Recently, I have been searching the internet high and low, reading everything I can find about step-motherhood searching for the answers to my own personal questions. How can I be a great step-mom? What kind of relationship do I want to have with my step-child’s mother? Does my step-son’s mother feel threatened by the very active role I play in his life? What should I expect as time goes on and my “blended family” progress?

By the way, I do not like the term “blended family”. There is something about that term that makes me feel like I am somehow forcing everyone to mesh together, and that is not the case at all with my family. They are my family, plain and simple. My husband, who is my son’s step-father, my step-son who is my son’s step-brother, and me who gets the pleasure of being both mom and step-mom to two very different and very lovable seven year old boys.

The book, ‘Stepmonster’, is advertised all over the internet as being the best thing since sliced bread for women who are step-mothers. “Finally, a book just for step-mothers! I finally feel as if I am understood!” - the bloggers post. There are a ton of positive book reviews ranting and raving about how this book oh-so-accurately tells it like it is, and all from a step-mothers point of view.

Reading, all this positive hype, I eagerly visited the website http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/ , where I found yet more (imagine that!) positive hype about this book. It must have been my lucky day, because, that very afternoon, Wednesday herself was going to be answering questions live on Facebook! On StepMom magazine’s FB page to be exact. Of course I attended the cyberspace event and I even posted a question to Wednesday herself. I appreciated her answer and also noticed that her answers were very appropriate in respect to others questions as well.

At this point in time, I had already ordered the book off of http://www.amazon.com/ , and was fervently awaiting its arrival! Well, it arrived last night and I have begun my reading. This is one of those books, that if given to me a on a weekend, I would have curled up in my big chair and read the whole thing cover-to-cover. However, it is the middle of a work week, not to mention, the middle of a work week during my hectic and crazy life as a New Breed Mom! So, I’m on chapter four, and I’m having some very mixed emotions about this book.

There are certain excerpts that really hit home. For example, “..the experiences and emotions of the woman with stepchildren matter just as much as anyone else’s.” And, “At times, the issues and emotions that surface in this most overdetermined role can lead us to act in ways we have never acted before – jealous, angry, “vindictive”, like the classic stepmonster – and do things we never suspected we were capable of.” And, “Stepmothering does not happen in a vacuum, but rather within a force field of other relationships.”

There are also parts of the book that make my stomach squirm. In particular, the section that discusses “The Myth of the Maternal Stepmother,” and blatantly implies (pretty much states) that the majority of step-mothers do not feel at all so motherly towards their children. This bothers me. Maybe it’s because the author of ‘Stepmonster’ walked into her role of step-mother while her step-children were adolescents so the viewpoint regarding "maternal stepmothers" is slanted? Maybe it’s because I love my step-son so dearly – dare I say I love him as my own? Maybe it’s because I’m still adapting to my own role as a step-mother? Maybe it is because I don’t have a clue? Regardless of the reason, reading this section of the book felt like someone punched me in the gut.

Because of all of the publicity surrounding this book, in addition to my positive take on Wednesday’s blog and advice rendered on FB, I will refrain from saying I disagree or dislike the book – at least until I read it in its entirety and engage in some self-reflection on the topic.

In the mean time, I’d be curious to know, from other step-mother’s, what do you believe your role is in your step-children’s lives? Also if you have step-mother, what was her role like in your life?

Sagas of a Step-Mother: Tips for Getting Along with your Step-Children's Mother

Being a step-mother is difficult. Sometimes I think being a step-mother is even more difficult than being a mother. The word “step-mother” carries many negative implications and connotations. It implies you’re not a real mother. It implies that you’re second-rate.; that you’re somehow, in some way, inferior to the “real mother”. Terms like ‘evil step-mother’ or ‘step-monster’ are commonly used to refer to step-mothers. When a woman, regardless of the circumstances, moves into the role of stepmother, she starts out fighting a losing battle.

Almost immediately after becoming a step-mother, a woman must prove herself. Sadly, with all eyes on her, she must prove herself worthy of the demeaning title she has acquired. To her husband, she must prove that she can handle the responsibility of playing an active role (regardless of what that role may come to be) in his child’s live. To her step-children she must prove that she will be a constant in their father’s live, and therefore a constant in their lives. She must also prove to her step-children that she is worthy of their love and respect. She must prove to her step-children that she is not the enemy. To her new in-laws she must prove that she can fill the shoes of the ex-wife, the ex-sister-in-law, ex-daughter-in-law. To the ex-wife, or the “real” mom, she must prove that she is not a threat.

That, I ultimately believe, is the key to forming a positive relationship with your step-children – proving to their mother that you are not a threat to her glorified title of mom. The children will take their cues from their mother. If she accepts you, then you are golden. If she tells the children that it’s ok to love you, then they will do so openly and honestly. If she does not feel threatened by your new role in her children’s lives, then no one else will either. The problem is that most likely she will feel threatened by you, at least initially.

Mothers naturally, instinctively, are protective of their children. If you are a step-mom who also has your own children, you will most likely understand, and even be able to relate, to this primitive instinct to protect your child. For a childless step-mother, this may be a more difficult concept to understand (but it can be done). Therefore, when you arrive on the scene, most “real” mothers’ protective instincts will kick into high gear and you are perceived as a threat to the safety and well-being of their children. And, if the children’s mother still has not come to terms with the demise of her relationship with your husband, you will be perceived as even more of a threat.

There are so many different dynamics that can play into the relationships in a blended family. Step-mothers, like any New Breed Mom, each have their own set of unique circumstances contributing to their current situation. In some cases this may include “baggage” in the form of an ex-wife who has not come to terms with the failures surrounding her past relationship with your husband. If this situation hits home for you, there is a bigger issue than the children’s mother being cautious of a new woman having an influence on her children, and the suggestions that follow would most likely not apply to you – at least not at this point of your step-mother – mother relationship.

Suggestion #1: The safety and well-being of the children must always be the number one priority. Don’t speak negatively about the children’s mother when they are in earshot. Even if what you are saying is true, you will only serve to make your step-children see you as the enemy – not to mention it will insight feelings of hostility, anger, and resentment. Do not, under any circumstances, make the children feel put in the middle of adult conflict. Children are emotionally fragile, especially if they have been through a divorce. Developmentally, young children are egocentric; meaning that when there is conflict, they will blame themselves.

Suggestion #2: Know your place while also setting healthy boundaries. Don’t get argumentative or confrontation towards the children’s mother – period. It is not your place to tell her if she has made a mistake or if you and your husband don’t like the way she is handling something concerning the children. But, you also must not be a doormat. If there is tension brewing, or if she outright makes a snarky comment towards you, address it in a clear, calm, and direct manner. (Ie. I can tell that you are angry I am attending Suzie’s parent-teacher conference. I am not trying to step on your toes. I simply want to be aware of Suzie’s school progress so that I can help her with her homework. ) Be sure to choose and appropriate time and place when addressing concerns. In the example above, it would not be appropriate to make this statement in front of the teacher, but would be appropriate to make this statement in the privacy of the hallway when only you, your husband, and his ex are present.

Suggestion #3: Make an effort to be pleasant to your step-children’s mother even if she does not (initially) reciprocate. This is a difficult thing to do. New step-mothers are often coping with feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, and condemnation concerning their interactions with their step-children’s mother. No matter how difficult it might be for you to go out of your way to say hello or attempt to make small talk with your husband’s ex while attending child-related activities, it will eventually be noticed and help to make life easier on everyone involved.

The information and suggestions above only begin to touch the tip of the iceberg when discussing the complicated dynamics that are involved in step-parenting and blended family relationships. For woman, the experience of being a step-parent is, by nature, much more emotionally-ridden that it is for men. To gracefully (or not so gracefully) step into the role of a “step-mother” requires the skills of a New Breed of Mom.

Additional Resources on Step-Parenting
http://www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/
http://www.stepparenting.com/
http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/
http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/ – Author of Stepmonster